video blog for the week. One of the cards she drew from the Oracle of the Shapeshifters was Two Kittens, which I blogged about a few weeks back. It's also the card that I pulled for myself yesterday as the energy I needed for the day.
Trenda's description put a whole new spin on the card for me. She talked about having to make a choice between two ideas, two options, be they on the physical, spiritual or emotional level, giving examples of speaking up or making a choice in a relationship.
The idea of choosing to speak up resonated with me after what happened yesterday, when I confronted someone at college. Also, something about the way she was describing the choice very much on a mental level contrasted with what looked to me more like a choice between two people or things: the cats.
So, I thought, if she's not choosing between the cats, what are they doing in her arms? Could they actually be something that she holds onto, that supports her in making this choice, in braving change?
Certainly, yesterday when I spoke to the person about something I felt very strongly about, I ended up holding tightly to a water bottle. It helped as the adrenaline ebbed and I began to tremble. However, perhaps I would have done better to hold onto the idea of being a psychotherapist, with all that entails. This happened within a "group" session, which is facilitated by a tutor. So, we are there as people, yet we are also trainee therapists. And I ended up saying something in terms which were not therapeutic! Not that I regret the content entirely, so much as the way I expressed it.
I've written before now about the anger I've been dealing with. How people clogging the pavement or refusing to stop at a crossing annoys me, especially when I'm in a rush. In this instance, I felt this person had acted extremely selfishly, in a way which was detrimental not just to myself but to everyone else on the course. However, I believe my anger was fueled by the fact that I feel like I could really do without any extra burdens! Especially coming after the exhausting weekend I had just had, made worse by that person's actions on the Friday.
I don't regret choosing to speak up, and I think the content of my comments was justified, but I also acknowledge that not all of the anger was attributable to this particular situation. I can admit, too, that my language became inappropriate at one juncture.
So, what does all of this mean? I guess part of the reason that I am chewing it over so much is because it makes me question whether I am fit to be a psychotherapist. For example, Emma Sunerton-Burl, who is a trained counsellor, supervisor and tarot reader, as well as organising spiritual mountain walks, is always a model of restraint and good sense. I have known her for years on-line, and met her personally, and in all her interactions she manages to maintain a calm and reasonableness that I find enviable.
Overall, I feel I do a good job with my clients, and I have never behaved inappropriately with them. However, I wonder what would happen if I were faced with a challenging client who pushed my buttons... Would I blow up? Would I feel I had to ask for them to be reassigned? Should I, with my current anger issues, be dealing with delicate souls?
And so the card I began with asks me to consider the choice: should I continue on the path to becoming a fully-fledged psychotherapist or not? And what can I hold onto, who can I be supported by, in whichever choice I make?