Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Torn

This card from the Journey Oracle (Schiffer, 2011) reminds me of the Three of Swords.  It even looks similar to that card from Emily Carding's Tarot of the Sidhe, in a much more girly way.

Still, the feeling here certainly isn't girly!  Talk about having the heart ripped out of you, being all cut up, feeling empty!  Unsurprisingly, it makes me think of the Natalie Imgruglia song of the same name.

In the moment, this is one of the worst feelings in the world.  Yet I have always felt that the Three of Swords has a positive side, too, and the same goes here.  Living through this, working through the pain and rebuilding your sense of self, is hard.  Once you've achieved it, though, you're stronger for it.  It makes me think of Joanna Powell-Colbert's recent post on being a member of the Scar Clan... I think many of us can empathise with that title.

Sometimes, though, we don't manage to work through it all, and are left feeling vulnerable.  We might create a false armour to protect ourselves from the outside, rather than re-growing a strong centre from the inside.  That kind of armour protects us, but also locks others out.  And it can crumble unexpectedly.

Today I see one of my clients.  Although he acts all tough and macho, this is how he's feeling on the inside.  Hopefully, by exploring his emotions and building some new strategies for coping, he will in time heal his wounds.

Likewise, I still have some tender spots of my own.  I think overall I'm stronger for them, but certainly changed.  I used to wonder at people who cried at the movies: "It's only a film!"  Now, I sob my heart out.  It still feels weird, I don't even understand why.  But I am coming to accept that this is part of the new me.  What I used to see as weakness may just be that my emotions are more accessible, that I empathise more with others' pain.

I am grateful for hard lessons learned and the chance to grow.

4 comments:

  1. I have really enjoyed this post and it is very timely for me. Not because of my own direct heartache, but someone else's. I didn't identify with it until you mentioned your male client who's exterior is very tough and macho but inside just got dealt that final blow by that third sword. It is a precarious position for me to be in because he is my cousin's boyfriend. Everyone in the family acts like he is the anti-Christ! Does he have a lot of less than favorable qualities? You betcha! But I have always been very good at being fair and objective and taking up for the underdog. Though she is my family and I have known and loved her dearly since she was 3 yrs old and she is now 17, she is no walk in the park herself at times! And let's just say she is the one who went and found that third sword... eh-hem! I realized what she was up to last week and it literally made my physically upset to my stomach. So I had to look at this boy everyday, knowing of her infidelity! I felt like a total schmuck! Long story short, they broke up two days ago when the truth came out. He came by the house today and I was so glad I got to see him and we got to talk for a second. I gave him a great big hug and we both held back tears, but I did shed a few after he left. I've yet again learned why I have got to shield. As I am growing and becoming a better reader, I am absorbing the emotions of others like a sponge. I have been feeling his sorrow for the past 2 days. Though as an older adult, I can see that this is best for both of them, I still remember how it felt to have a broken heart. And in the less negative aspect of seeing a the number 3, the other third sword is the magnificent little boy they share whom I hope will not be wounded by all of this.
    So thank you Chloe for this post. You have really helped me process and learn from this situation. And to know to pray that both of them are able to actualize your positive affirmation.

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  2. Oh, what a complicated situation, VK! It sounds like you are managing it admirably. And perhaps with your cousin's little boy you can do a bit of healing and support, too. I'm glad that, with all this, you also recognise the need to take care of yourself. ((hugs))

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  3. thank you so much Chloe. The situation came to a head today and my keester may have gotten caught in the crossfire in a very unexpected and negative way *sigh* And my peacemaker/Dali Lama bleeding heart may have it all come back to bite me in it. Thx for the hug, I needed it today. Please keep me in your prayers. And ((hugs)) back to you! :-)

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  4. Yikes, sorry to hear things are still running in such a twisted vein. I shall definitely hold you in my prayers, and hope you find the strength and diplomacy to do what needs to be done.
    Hugs,
    Chloë

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