Thursday, 9 February 2012

Brigid's Healing Spread

Based on this morning's card from the Goddess Oracle (U.S. Games, 2006) and what it brought up in me, I decided to design a healing spread.  I wondered about posting this reading here.  Still, last week in my How to Be a Better Candle post, the card for how I can serve others and shine my light suggested that I be more open, sharing my burdens as well as my strengths.  So, if you don't want to read something personal and possibly painful, then just stop here.

I had a nightmare last night, about being pregnant.  As some of you may remember, my Dear One and I are currently trying for another baby.  However, after a miscarriage at the end of 2006 and the serious medical complications following the birth of Big Boy at the start of 2008, it is also something that terrifies me.  So, I want to look at what I can do to heal this emotional wound.

Based on Brigid's card, I chose three elements: the flame, the flower and the harp, and asked: "To heal, what do I need to burn away, what do I need to allow in, and how can I create harmony in my soul?"  I drew from the Crystal Visions Tarot, because I find its energy gentle and uplifting.


Flame: to heal, what do I need to burn away - II - The High Priestess

Two things jump out at me here.  Firstly, that the High Priestess is a very solitary figure.  Secondly, that she is full of inner knowing. 

I need to burn away the idea that I am alone in this situation.  Calling on support from friends and family doesn't mean that I am weak, it shows that I know how to marshal the resources I need.

I need to burn away the feeling that I should have known... everything.  That I am to blame for what happened to Big Boy, that if I had tapped into that inner knowledge I would have been able to prevent what happened.  This is a tough one for me.  With my miscarriage, I knew something was wrong at week six, though I didn't actually miscarry until week 11.  So, there's a feeling that I should have known, should have done something differently with Big Boy.  And now there's a sense of distrust in myself, that I won't know what I need to know this time, either, that things will go horribly wrong and I will be to blame.

Flowers: to heal, what do I need to allow in - Page of Wands

Oh, this is such a lovely, hopeful card!  I notice the candles all around her, the dragon protecting her, the tree in whose shade she sits, and the fact that she's playing a flute.

I need to allow myself to feel safe and protected.   Following on from the last card, I need to allow others to hold me, emotionally and physically.  Also, this may be connected to listening to the wisdom of nature, and the wisdom of others.  Perhaps, too, I need to think about what would make a safe space for me - do some research on where I could go to give birth if I did have another baby - which is about allowing in hope. 

People sometimes say, "Of course it's not your fault." or "You just have to forgive yourself."  Ha, easier said than done!  As I am clearly finding it hard to forgive myself, perhaps I need to focus on allowing others to forgive me...

Metaphorically, it is time to allow light back into my life.  On a more practical level, it is time to light some candles, and use chanting as a healing practice.


There is, of course, also something about Pages representing children.  So, I need to allow a playful new soul into my life, to trust that if a child comes to me, it will be happy to incarnate with us as its parents and Big Boy as its sibling.


Harp: to heal, how can I create harmony in my soul - Seven of Pentacles

Once again, this woman sits in the embrace of a tree.  I notice the female figures that seem to grow from the branches.  The woman holds a bowl of fruit, reaping the harvest from work she has done.

This is another card, like the Page, which I sometimes associate with having children - pregnancy being like waiting for the seeds sown to grow before the crops can be seen, and having to do plenty of weeding and watering in between.  Just managing to get pregnant would be a step on my path to healing. 

However, as that's not something I can control, I guess this card says to me that there is still a lot of work to be done to create harmony in my soul.  It's not something that will happen overnight.  Rather, I will have to make this healing a daily practice - digging out negative thoughts, nourishing healthier, kinder ideas.

The female figures in the tree make me think of the wisdom of others again.  In a few weeks time I am going to have a weekend away with two of my close friends - a witchy weekend of meditation and laughter, sharing and crying, dancing and praying.  I think this will be a step in the right direction.  Perhaps, too, I can draw more on the support of other women in my life - a friend who has been through IVF, my mother, other women who have children with medical complications but still move on with their lives... 


I pray for healing and forgiveness.

4 comments:

  1. What a great reading.

    As you know, I can relate to this on some level. I may not have the identical situation to yours, but I know the pain of worrying if you caused your child's complications, and whether you should've known, etc. Of course if you HAD known you would've done something about it.

    I also understand that forgiving yourself is more of a gradual journey than it is an instantaneous thing. Unlike you, though, I don't think I was as open to letting that healing in. I shut it down and immediately decided that I didn't want to take the chance--which is why we had the vasectomy last year. It actually still hurts thinking about the loss of a second child, but I know we'll be OK.

    Of course, I know a woman who also had a child with health complications, who chose to take the plunge and have another child--who is as healthy as can be. She was full of hope and the desire to do it again. And I admire that in her, and in you.

    Definitely hope you can find healing and happiness in this situation. On my part, I feel that because I can't have another child, I may have to find healing some other way--maybe through artwork or rediscovering some part of myself that was damaged.

    Lotsa of Healing Hugs,
    MM

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  2. Hi MM,

    Yes, in case you couldn't tell, I was thinking about you as one of those supportive women :) It makes me sad that you couldn't let healing in - I really hope that you do find it one way or another. I've been chanting the last couple of days, and that feels really positive...

    Healing Hugs right back atcha!
    ChloË

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  3. Thanks so much. :) I hope you find my presence supportive, because I definitely want to support your efforts. :)

    I think that I will heal. Like everyone, I think time, experience and gentleness will let me heal. Or maybe controlled chaos, via creativity, etc. Maybe screaming or kick-boxing. Haha. JK. :D

    What is the chanting? I don't know much about chanting.

    Hugs,
    MM

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  4. Hi MM,

    If I didn't have chronic shinsplints I'd definitely join you on the kick-boxing. I used to do boxercise, and found it VERY therapeutic :D

    As for the chanting, it's a form of meditation practiced by yogis and also by tibetan monks. I find that the chant gets in my head and accompanies me for the rest of my day, so it has calming benefits beyond the time that I'm actually sitting chanting. For example: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbgHZWwyhcQ&feature=related

    For me, it brings a sense of calm, and the yogis say that the vibrations you create in your own body by chanting are healing on a physical level, as well as spiritually. You can also find some perhaps overblown claims for the benefits of chanting here: http://www.fpmt.org/teachers/teachings/123-teachings/lama-zopa-rinpoche/902-the-benefits-of-chanting-om-mani-padme-hum.html

    Chanting Hugs,
    Chloë

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