this morning's card from the Goddess Oracle (U.S. Games, 2006) and what it brought up in me, I decided to design a healing spread. I wondered about posting this reading here. Still, last week in my How to Be a Better Candle post, the card for how I can serve others and shine my light suggested that I be more open, sharing my burdens as well as my strengths. So, if you don't want to read something personal and possibly painful, then just stop here.
I had a nightmare last night, about being pregnant. As some of you may remember, my Dear One and I are currently trying for another baby. However, after a miscarriage at the end of 2006 and the serious medical complications following the birth of Big Boy at the start of 2008, it is also something that terrifies me. So, I want to look at what I can do to heal this emotional wound.
Based on Brigid's card, I chose three elements: the flame, the flower and the harp, and asked: "To heal, what do I need to burn away, what do I need to allow in, and how can I create harmony in my soul?" I drew from the Crystal Visions Tarot, because I find its energy gentle and uplifting.
Two things jump out at me here. Firstly, that the High Priestess is a very solitary figure. Secondly, that she is full of inner knowing.
I need to burn away the idea that I am alone in this situation. Calling on support from friends and family doesn't mean that I am weak, it shows that I know how to marshal the resources I need.
I need to burn away the feeling that I should have known... everything. That I am to blame for what happened to Big Boy, that if I had tapped into that inner knowledge I would have been able to prevent what happened. This is a tough one for me. With my miscarriage, I knew something was wrong at week six, though I didn't actually miscarry until week 11. So, there's a feeling that I should have known, should have done something differently with Big Boy. And now there's a sense of distrust in myself, that I won't know what I need to know this time, either, that things will go horribly wrong and I will be to blame.
Oh, this is such a lovely, hopeful card! I notice the candles all around her, the dragon protecting her, the tree in whose shade she sits, and the fact that she's playing a flute.
I need to allow myself to feel safe and protected. Following on from the last card, I need to allow others to hold me, emotionally and physically. Also, this may be connected to listening to the wisdom of nature, and the wisdom of others. Perhaps, too, I need to think about what would make a safe space for me - do some research on where I could go to give birth if I did have another baby - which is about allowing in hope.
People sometimes say, "Of course it's not your fault." or "You just have to forgive yourself." Ha, easier said than done! As I am clearly finding it hard to forgive myself, perhaps I need to focus on allowing others to forgive me...
Metaphorically, it is time to allow light back into my life. On a more practical level, it is time to light some candles, and use chanting as a healing practice.
There is, of course, also something about Pages representing children. So, I need to allow a playful new soul into my life, to trust that if a child comes to me, it will be happy to incarnate with us as its parents and Big Boy as its sibling.
Once again, this woman sits in the embrace of a tree. I notice the female figures that seem to grow from the branches. The woman holds a bowl of fruit, reaping the harvest from work she has done.
This is another card, like the Page, which I sometimes associate with having children - pregnancy being like waiting for the seeds sown to grow before the crops can be seen, and having to do plenty of weeding and watering in between. Just managing to get pregnant would be a step on my path to healing.
However, as that's not something I can control, I guess this card says to me that there is still a lot of work to be done to create harmony in my soul. It's not something that will happen overnight. Rather, I will have to make this healing a daily practice - digging out negative thoughts, nourishing healthier, kinder ideas.
The female figures in the tree make me think of the wisdom of others again. In a few weeks time I am going to have a weekend away with two of my close friends - a witchy weekend of meditation and laughter, sharing and crying, dancing and praying. I think this will be a step in the right direction. Perhaps, too, I can draw more on the support of other women in my life - a friend who has been through IVF, my mother, other women who have children with medical complications but still move on with their lives...
I pray for healing and forgiveness.